Happy Birthday in Heaven

Happy 4th Birthday in heaven to my beautiful angel!

Four years old. Today you would have been 4 years old on earth, the thought of it leaves me speechless.

(First Birthday)

June 4th marked your 1 Year Angelversary, that day my whole world froze solid, the earth stopped rotating and time stood still. It hasn’t changed since.

Missing out on experiencing you blowing out your birthday candles as you make your birthday wish for all the years to come, taking you to the store to pick out your favorite decorations for the theme of your birthday party, watching you rip through the paper of all your birthday gifts and seeing your face light up, no longer being able to guide you through life as you reach each milestone, witnessing the sisterly bond being broken on earth but still receiving heavenly signs and connections that lead straight to you..

This first year without you has been an up and down spiraling roller coaster and an unimaginable wave of emotions. In the blink of an eye, everything can change and nothing will ever remain the same. I try to wear a smile on my face and shed a little bit of laughter with your sister. As contagious as your little laugh and sweet smile both were, I know that’s the way you would want us to be. You wouldn’t want us to be wiping away tears that are to be expected. I get so angry that you are gone, after wanting you so badly and to have you stripped out of our lives so quickly, a little over a year later and it is STILL processing. I know it always will.

If I don’t know anything, I do know that you’ve left your mark on the world and you continue to do so, which you always & forever will. The impact you’ve made on the universe, the lives you’ve touched and saved, the message you are sending through the nations, that is more powerful than I ever knew was fully possible. Your story of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever continues to be told, people are to this day reaching out and asking questions, asking for advice about ticks, symptoms and what to look out for. The impact you continue to make is heroic, for such a tiny human. You were an angel from the start and it’s proven to me everyday.

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Yesterday was a little getaway at the beach.. You should have been there with us, running through the sand with your big sister and building sandcastles.

(1 years old – the happiest beach baby at your first Florida trip to PCB)

As we were heading back from our 3+ hour trip after getting something to eat, the unthinkable happened. We went from singing songs in the car, laughing, your big sister Aileah and I snap chatting in the backseat to one hell of a roller coaster ride in the car. Everything happened so fast.. With Janice’s daughter behind the wheel, sliding off the side of the road (for whatever reason) into the gravel, jerking the steering wheel a couple times as an attempt to straightening the car out, going 50mph, she ended up flipping the car at least two times. As we were flipping, I don’t remember what I was thinking about. There was so much adrenaline running through our bodies, being slammed, flipped upside down and rolling.. Within seconds of us finally coming to a halt, there was a man at my window asking if we were okay. The car landed on the driver’s side, the side Aileah was on. I could see that she was still breathing, no blood or visible injuries appeared to be on her. The man at my window happened to be an off duty police officer who witness everything that happened. He was able to pull Aileah out of the vehicle and I climbed out of the back. Janice and her daughter were then pulled out. Minutes later, an ambulance pulled up, a fire truck, a couple sheriffs, and they blocked the road off in both directions. The emergency response was immaculate!

As the car was being towed, Aileah and I were escorted by a couple sheriffs, followed by Janice and her daughter in another sheriff’s vehicle to one of their local restaurants until we could be picked up and taken home. I was talking to my mother on the phone when we arrived and the moment I pointed to the window, showing Aileah the lightening bug that I saw (a sign from Kenley), my mom says “Kenley must have been looking over you guys.” There is no other explanation other than that being exactly it. For us to be able to walk away from that banged up car, after rolling, being slammed and flipped upside, through busted glass and everything, to walk away fully intact with some scrapes and scratches is mind blowing. All four of us are lucky to be alive, lucky that another vehicle wasn’t involved, lucky that a tree or building wasn’t struck. Lucky to have that off duty officer behind us and responding as quickly as he did. Yesterday was one of the scariest experiences I have ever been through. To see that sign from Kenley, the lightening bug on the window right where we were sitting, let’s me know she was with us. We all could have easily been called home yesterday, it’s definitely not our time just yet.

(The lightening bug on the window by where we were sitting. I went outside to take the picture.)

I’m thinking of you heavily baby girl, just like I do everyday. The aftermath of the wreck, your birthday, today is another day of trying to stop myself from drowning in tears.

I miss you so much, beautiful girl. I always, always, always will, until we meet again.

Happy Birthday in heaven, baby girl!!

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My first Mother’s Day without you…

My first Mother’s Day without you…

Before I went to sleep last night, I heard the sound of an owl hooting so beautifully in the night. It was like receiving a pre-Mother’s Day gift from you.

I stepped outside first thing this morning and heard the birds all chirping. I thought to myself, “I hope I hear that owl again before I go back inside.” Sure enough, that owl started hooting beautifully, just like last night. I even heard another one, almost as if one was on one side and the other was at a distance, echoing each other in the wilderness.

I’ll never forget that beautiful summer day at the pool about a month after I lost you. Your sister, daddy, & cousin Bridget, and I were all swimming. Right before we left, we heard an owl hooting. We were at the same place we went to after your Celebration of Life, Dixie’s, where we lit off lanterns in the sky with the words written “In memory of…” and we were all able to write our own personal messages to you on them. That night, there was a beautiful white owl sitting in a tree, just watching over everyone, hooting.

Back to the day at the pool, as we were leaving, we heard an owl hooting. We hooted back and it followed, hooting again. We did it until we were all the way down the road and couldn’t hear it again.

Whenever I hear an owl, it is a reminder of you. Another reminder that you are watching over me. I’m so glad your big sister, Aileah was able to hear what I heard last night as she says, “Mom, an owl!”

We always know it’s you, baby girl. We love and miss you sweet girl, each and everyday. I will try my best to make it through the day without any tears. Nothing will ever be the same since the day you left, how I wish you were here to give me those sweet baby cuddles and those sweet kisses. I love you always and forever, my heavenly angel, my little princess.

International Bereaved Mother’s Day

As I’m scrolling through my Instagram feed after posting my news interview I did with one of my local stations, WTHR-TV Channel 13, I noticed a similar pattern. I follow handfuls of angel mommy’s and as I continue scrolling through my feed, they’re all posting about “International Bereaved Mother’s Day.” I have never heard of such a thing, never knew that existed, for everyday I wake up is Bereaved Mother’s Day for me.

Although my sweet Kenley is up in heaven, she is very much alive here on earth, she makes that very well known. I will always mother my beautiful baby girl by being her voice of reason. By sharing her story with the world and continuing saving lives while honoring her precious memory at the same time.

I will honor my gorgeous girl until the day I die. I was lucky enough to be the chosen one from the greatest man, a gift from God, that I am forever thankful for.

I will shout her name from the mountains, to the canyons across the coast, through every valley and every stream, from sea to sea. I hope her story reaches every country in the world and continues to make a difference in the lives of others.

To my angel family, I want to thank you for the support, it is a family that no one wants to be in, no one should ever be in. The connection of the pain, the look in a bereaved mother’s eyes lets you know you are not alone when you make that eye contact or you read a post or reply from them. It is a pain that is unimaginable for anyone to even begin to think they can survive after a significant loss such as that.

To the people of my Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and Lyme Community that I have gained, you mean the world to me. Although I may not speak to each of you all the time, or as often as I’d like to, know that you are never far from my mind. We are in this together. #fightthebite 💪🏼💚

I love you all so very much, my angel family, my RMSF/Lyme Family, along with the friends I’ve gained along the way, the ones who’ve turned their backs on me, you’re only making me stronger, the ones who continue to support and follow me, the ones that share my posts and blog, it means the world to me. I love you!

Heaven sent

A couple days ago, I shared a picture and screenshot texts from my best friend, Janice on both my Facebook and Instagram pages. Here is some of our conversation:

I wasn’t expecting the little girl to look identical to the back of Kenley Boo. Tears filled up my eyes immediately after she sent me the picture of the little girl, assuming she was holding her mommy’s hand. The little girl’s blonde-white hair mirrored Kenley’s. The thinness of the little baby hairs and how it curled so beautifully at the ends, even the length. Just like Kenley’s. The fairness of her skin, even her height, Kenley would have been that exact same height as the little girl in the picture:

I was so mesmerized by the little girl’s hair in the picture, I just couldn’t stop looking at that picture all day long. Her hair just stood out to me the most. What I didn’t notice until later that evening was something I surely know was heaven sent!!!

I continued to look at the picture and this time I noticed something that blew my mind. I noticed the bottom of her hot pink dress wasn’t sown together, the tulle at the bottom was poofy, like a little ballerina dress. I then noticed the straps and how they came in close together in the center of her back, instead of regular spaghetti straps. I set my phone down and grabbed the picture I had of Kenley and Aileah at The State Fair two years ago. I wanted a picture of the both of them, standing in front of the beautiful display of sunflowers with pops of vibrant purple flowers mixed in.

My sweet baby Kenley decided to turn around and instead of forgetting about the picture, I snapped her cute little butt anyways. I’m so glad I did, because it has always been one of my favorite pictures I have taken of the girls.

I mentioned “The Kenley Dress” in one of my previous blog posts, this is the dress that I’m talking about, the one Kenley is wearing in the picture. It is the same one that the lovely Christina used in the beautiful mural of Kenley that she freelance painted.

The significance of this dress, as sentimental as it is already, let’s me know that Kenley is speaking to me in many ways. The little girl in the hot pink dress from a couple days ago that Janice sent me the picture of is wearing the EXACT SAME DRESS that Kenley had on in that picture. The only difference in the dresses is the color.

I knew there had to be a reason why Kenley had turned her little back towards me that day, there had to be a reason why I snapped a photo of her while she was like that, there had to be a reason why Janice took a picture of the back of the little girl wearing the hot pink dress. Janice didn’t think anything of it, it never would have crossed her mind, especially since I hadn’t even noticed the similarity in the dresses until the day was almost over!

The connection between the two dresses, the strong resemblance of Kenley Boo and that little girl…

THAT IS HEAVEN SENT!!

Nothing in life is EVER coincidental, never. I bought Kenley’s “Kenley dress” back in August 2016, close to the time we went to The State Fair. For that little girl in that picture to be wearing the EXACT SAME DRESS (just different colors) is no coincidence, that is slim to none, the chances of that happening.

There are too many connections for it not to be from heaven. I’ve always believed in God, always. Since losing Kenley, however, the connection I feel between heaven and earth is more powerful than it ever has been. Such an incredible feeling, I truly feel so very honored and gifted to feel that heavenly connection between God, my angel baby, and my great grandmother, Elouise. It is truly fascinating!

When my sweet Kenley was here on earth, I felt so safe. Although I am her mommy, it was a different connection that I have ever felt with anyone in my life. I felt protected, so whole and complete. Now that she is in heaven, watching over me like the precious angel she has always been, I feel the blanket of comfort and protection that she places all around me.

I know that if I had seen that little girl that Janice took a picture of and how much she resembled Kenley, I know I would have went up to the lady holding her hand (assuming it is her mother) and asked her if I could hug the little girl. I would share with her about my sweet Kenley, and hopefully she would have told me “Yes!”

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Yesterday I received a phone call from Emily Longnecker from WTHR Channel 13 News, one of my local news stations. She explained to me there was a press conference about the state wide alert in Indiana about ticks being on the rise this year, even more so than the previous years. My heart was pounding in my chest as I agreed to let her interview me. Almost one year ago (June 4th) right after we lost Kenley, I remember doing those interviews all too well. I remember how I could barely speak as I’m being asked questions, so close to losing her, how hard it was to form a sentence and making it all make sense. With yesterday marking Kenley’s 11 month angel date, I absolutely could not turn down Emily’s request, there was just no way I could have said no. I had to do it for my sweet girl, to honor her memory, to raise more awareness about Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, the killer that took her sweet life away. I had to, because no parent deserves to join the club no mother or father wants to be in. It’s heartbreaking to know that there are so many people who are so unaware, still being misdiagnosed, and left untreated and for dead. It’s not fair, it’s not right, it’s beyond wrong and senseless is what it is.

I truly hope from the bottom of my heart that my message gets across the world, just like it did last year during those interviews, despite how tough it is for me to speak on. It’s definitely not easy. Making a difference in anyone and everyone’s life that I can is my ultimate goal.

In remembrance of my sweet, sweet angel baby, I will always keep sharing her story. I am honored that I am her Mommy and I will continue honoring her heavenly memory.

I miss you so incredibly much, my beautiful baby girl. I am so very proud of all of your work you continue to do up in heaven. Such a busy, busy baby girl. Mommy can hear you honey, with every message and every sign, I hear you loud and clear. I am so blessed that you’re my daughter, my perfect little angel. I love you so much, princess! I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again!!

Always & forever, for a lifetime I will love you in heaven and on earth

– Love Mommy

11 little months

I started my day off with tears in my eyes, as I remembered some of the things I missed about Kenley, from her blonde-white hair to her ten tiny toes, I miss everything about her. The way she would curl her little mouth in her cute little smile as I would put her hair up into a ponytail and she’d look at herself in the mirror, the way she would scrunch her little button nose and make noises, how she would spin around in her dresses and want to stay in her princess gowns all day long because she thought they were dresses, how she would make me play a certain part in her Barbie movie over and over again so she could dance, the way she would grab a wash rag out of my hand as I was cleaning and do it herself, how she would grab a broom out of my hands and begin to sweep while holding her balance, the way her little face looked after taking her to SEPHORA as she did her own little mini makeover, trying products on by herself, the way she would extend out her arms as she would sing “Leeee goooo” (Let it go) and press her Frozen doll, how she would say the sweet word “Mommy” or even sometimes “Mom,” those were the sweetest words, how she would say “Uhh he you” (I love you), the way she would open the fridge, thinking she was so big and try to grab the milk and point to her cup saying “Uhh ink, Uhh ink,” I miss her little baby voice so much!

As I’m thinking all of these things, I look up right at the clouds and they began to part, with the sun peaking through. Although she cannot physically speak to me, she speaks so me in daily messages. I find comfort in knowing that she is always near. I will continue to mother her while she keeps me safe as she is in heaven. For one day, I know we will be together again, in due time, Kenley Boo.

Awareness & Flashbacks

Guess who’s back? Back again?

TICKS ARE BACK, TELL A FRIEND!!!

No, seriously! You should stop what you’re doing right now and educate yourself on the seriousness about Tick Borne Illnesses and once you’re finished, tell a friend, anyone you know!! I’m not trying to make lightness in any way by adding a little “Slim Shady/Eminem” twist, these little ticks are serious and can be deadly if the correct antibiotic (Doxycycline) is not given within 5 days.

Many of these diseases are often being treated as something other than these diseases listed (there are many more but these are just some to name a few): Lyme Disease, Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, Anaplasmosis, Ehrilichiosis, Babesiosis, Tularemia, Bartonella

Here are some of the many symptoms that come with the diseases (there are many more):

Extremely high fever

Fatigue

Stomach ache

Vommiting

Rash

Muscle aches

Chills

Shooting pains

Bulls-eye: Lyme Disease

Lethargic

Confusion

Chills

Nausea

Cough

Lack of appetite

Doctors are so quick to tell patients how “rare” some of these diseases are. What is ACTUALLY rare here is being diagnosed CORRECTLY, being prescribed the CORRECT ANTIBIOTIC within the timeframe needed in order to prevent prolonging their symptoms, or causing them to become fatal. THAT, my friends is what is ACTUALLY RARE and THAT is a HUGE PROBLEM and needs fixed ASAP & that’s all there is to it!

Let’s see how long that takes…

The world will flood, freeze over, and burn before that ever happens, maybe I’m wrong. I strongly believe that as long as the doctors are still getting paid, they would rather choose to keep sending you home, keep giving you the wrong antibiotics, and keep you guessing what the hell is wrong.

That’s exactly what happened to my sweet Kenley Boo, I know for a 100% fact she isn’t the only one this has happened to, but they sure do want us to think it is. She hasn’t been the only one to get misdiagnosed, the wrong antibiotics, the guessing game as far as not knowing what was wrong with her. They were completely clueless, but they’ve got their medical degrees, they must know everything, right? They went to school and studied for years on end, put in all of that time and effort, surely they’d never be wrong. We put SOOO much of our trust into the hands of doctors and many of them get far too much credit for not even doing their jobs correctly.

This may not be the greatest analogy, but I’m going to roll with it anyways. Let’s say you have a vehicle and you decide to fill your gas tank up with something other than gas. Let’s take a full bottle of windex and fill your gas tank up with it and try to drive it. Pretty sure you’re not going to get very far and more than likely, it wouldn’t run the same, or just completely shut down. That’s the same for a human being!! You cannot treat a human for something that they don’t have, you cannot give them the wrong antibiotic(s) and expect them to fully function afterwards, because in most cases (like my angel baby Kenley) that will not happen. It especially will not happen if the wrong antibiotics were given before the window of time is up.

Some of the misdiagnosis for these diseases are:

Fibromyalgia

Lupus

Scarlett Fever

Autism

Heart Disease

Thyroid Disease

Schizophrenia

Bi-polar

Chronic Fatigue

Inflammatory bowel

Multiple Sclerosis

And many many more!

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I want to share a text I received from a dear friend at the beginning of this week. Monica Kirby is by far one of the sweetest, most kindhearted people I know on this earth, there’s probably not a mean bone in her body. We became good friends after working together at Amazon, she used to talk to me all the time when I was pregnant at work, waddling my pregnant belly through the building. I couldn’t try to hide my prego belly even if I wanted to, Kenley Boo wanted to be seen.

Fast forward to last year, right after Kenley passed away, both Monica and her sister, Nichol Kirby both did interviews with our local news on behalf of our family. Fast forward to this past Sunday into Monday, the texts I received from Monica.

She had texted me on Sunday, but I was already sleeping, so I didn’t read it until I woke up the following morning. I explained to her that I fell asleep early the night before, I loved her and to keep me updated. Her nephew ended up not having any symptoms, but with a tick attached to his scalp like that, along with knowing what happened to my Kenley, they didn’t take any chances. Not saying I took a chance with Kenley, because I didn’t. I had no idea she had even been bitten (just like the several doctors that “treated” her), a tick was never found on my sweet baby. Ironically enough, this was the first tick bite of the season that Riley Children’s Hospital has seen this year. My mind is still blown at the irony of that. Her nephew of all people, almost a year later that Kenley passed away, and they interviewed about Kenley Boo. So so ironic!

Below is one of Nichol’s (Nikki) posts involving her son Emerson and taking him to Riley the other day:

While at the park yesterday, Aileah and I were having a race to see who could swing the highest. Right next to us, I noticed a lady swinging with her son on her lap, but I didn’t think anything of it. Aileah decided to move to the jungle gym part when I heard “Oh! The ground is lava, maybe for 5 year olds!” I noticed her green and blue matching shoes, her son had the exact same ones (still didn’t think anything of it except for it being cute.) the lady ended up coming up and saying, “Kayla!? Nikki!” It was Nikki! I wouldn’t have notice her, had she not come up to me, not with her short hair and sunglasses on. I had just texted Monica right before that, checking in with her after Emerson going to Riley. When we were about to leave, both Aileah and Emerson decided to go down the big white slide that loops around in circles. Nikki decided to record a video of them and later during the evening, Monica sent it saying, “Oh my God! Watch the video! There is a bluish orb following them! We know it’s you angel!”

The other day, while at the library, I received a phone call from one of my good friends. She kept calling me and since I was in the library, I texted her and told her that I couldn’t talk because I can only really hear when it’s on speaker phone. She texted back saying her son was in Riley Hospital, that he had a spinal fracture and was going in for surgery soon. I texted back Immediately telling her I was calling her, signed out of the computer, grabbed all of my things, and headed for Riley. I could feel my anxiety levels begin to skyrocket as I made my way through the interstate, my mind went blank as I’m weaving in and out of lanes trying to concentrate. I had to do it for my friend, I had to be there for her. I could tell she had been crying after hearing the news of the accident, now to have her son laying in a hospital bed. I know that helpless feeling, but I had to be there to comfort her. I was fine when I parked the car, even fine walking into the building, I was actually proud of myself for not breaking down. Then the flashbacks came, seeing those green elevator doors, the tile perfectly placed in each one. The flashbacks of not being able to breathe those four days we were in the hospital with our sweet Kenley rushed over me. The thought of Emily holding me as I was having a panic attack, hearing the words “There is no hope, we’re sorry your daughter’s brain is leaking into her spine. There is no hope, we’re sorry your daughter’s brain is leaking into her spine.” I felt like I was on some kind of drug, it played back and forth as I held my breath going up to the floor my friend and her son were on. I finally found her room as the doctor was standing there, speaking so softly as my friend’s son was resting. She explained the procedure, the surgery, recovery and everything they entailed. She looked over to me before she exited the room and said, “I’m so sorry to hear about you daughter, that’s really brave of you to come here and support your friend.” I looked over at Samantha while her eyes and mine both filled up with tears as we hugged each other.

My friend Erica ended up calling me and it was a much needed distraction. I needed that. As much as I wanted to be there for Samantha right then, I did not want to upset or worry her more than she was, so I stayed on the phone with Erica for a little more. Once I got off the phone, I looked at Savian, and the same waves of emotions rushed over me as I looked at him and back at the monitor above him. I took a deep breath in and let it out. Samantha told me she had so many emotions running through her and I knew exactly what she meant. She didn’t know if she was hungry, tired, had to use the bathroom… The stress and anxiety of not knowing, she didn’t know if her son would make it through surgery, anything could happen. I told her that “You should find comfort in knowing exactly what is wrong with him. We didn’t know what was wrong with Kenley, the doctors had no idea until she was gone!” I felt good going to see her and her son that day, but man was it hard with all of the flashbacks that came aboard.

I learned shortly after talking to my dear friend, after finding comfort that her nephew was okay… That same day, another one of my friends, Lex told me that she was diagnosed with Lyme Disease after going camping over the weekend!! My mind was blown!! As a kid, I remember going camping for years in a row and never once did we worry about ticks, bugs really (maybe mosquitos which are just as deadly). I still have yet to see an actual tick, not saying I’d ever want to, but I haven’t seen one while being outside/inside, anywhere. Apparently times have changed, I’m starting to sound like I’ve lived a million years now, but it hasn’t been that long that I was camping as a teenager, barefoot without a care in the world.

I learned too that a family member of mine, someone that they knew very well and dated was also diagnosed with Lyme Disease. It’s all too close for comfort and honestly, people think things like this would never happen to them, but they are so wrong.

Anything can happen on any given day, we all know that, or at least we should. Your life can change so fast without you realizing it. You could have a perfectly healthy baby girl and seemingly as if out of nowhere become deathly sick. When Kenley developed her high fever of 103.8 that wouldn’t break once I gave her Tylenol Pain & Fever Reducer, as her mommy, I knew something was wrong. My baby didn’t get fevers like that.. You could take your baby girl to the hospital, listen to the doctors think she has the chicken pox because of her rash, witness them take your baby into another room so they could stick a catheter in her to take a urine test. She was beyond traumatized after that. You could listen to them tell you what she had was “just a virus.” So you administer the antibiotic as instructed by the doctor, only to have your baby still sick. You could decide to have a second opinion, so you take her to a second hospital, only to be diagnosed with Scarlett Fever and Strep, so you rotate the antibiotics for that, along with the one given by the first hospital, as instructed by the doctors… Only to have her STILL sick. You could take your baby to yet a THIRD hospital after witnessing her little body try to get up and make it to the bathroom to use the potty. Her tiny, 2 1/2 year old body was so weak from the disease, she physically had no energy to get up and go to the bathroom on her own. I had to carry her like a newborn baby, hold her little head up in her car seat on the way to the hospital because she had no control, she was completely lethargic. No one witnessed her eyes rolling in the back of her head as we made our way to the third and final destination. That is an image I have somewhat blocked, but I still will never forget it.

When we walked into the building, we were seen right away. On the scale to be weighed, she had no physical strength to stand up, she had to lay down in order to be weighed. Her vitals were checked, and right then, the nurse said “We need her a room now, she doesn’t look right.” Immediately, she was brought into ICU where an army of about 20 nurses/doctors were on her, hooking her up to machines, tubes, taking her blood, checking her vitals, inserted a breathing tube. It was so much at once, so much to witness and I lost it. I broke down and the doctor told me “She is in the best place she can be.” Although that may have been true, I never expected to leave the hospital without her. In her bag, I did pack some pull-ups, some for the simple fact that she couldn’t go to the bathroom on her own because of how weak she was. She was fully potty-trained, but the state she was in, threw everything off with her. Her balance, her appetite, everything. The only thing that remained the same was the fact that she still wanted me when she was able to still speak. Her beautiful bright blonde-white hair also remained the same, that would never change. One of the first tests the doctors wanted to do on Kenley was a CT scan, because they were concerned about her brain activity. After having my own mother look me in my eyes and tell me “She could be brain dead and it would be your fault, you didn’t get her here on time.” I stood there dumbfounded, not believing what I just had heard. In no way, shape or form did I neglect my precious child, at any point in time of her life. Not once, not ever. I loved that sweet little baby girl more than life itself. She was my whole world, she still is and I will always love her.

You never truly realize how precious life is until the most precious thing you have in life is taken from you. It can all happen so fast.

9 months of pain… 💔

Quitting something I just started was never in my plans…

In my very first blog post, I made it a resolution to write in here every day, but just like rules, some are meant to be bent and broken.

I had to put it on the back burner, including social media. Coming to the realization and opening my own eyes up with what was taking place during my grief process, I knew I had to somehow, someway throw myself some rope to climb out of the darkness.

I found myself getting lost in my grief, like circling the globe simultaneously with no GPS or map.

I realized something had to change, something’s gotta give, because doing what I was doing just was not working. I would spend hours on social media, talking to other angel moms, sharing our angel’s memories, replaying everything over and over and over again. It was obsessive.

Although it has helped me very much in the past (I had to take a break from it all), and I appreciate everyone that has reached out to me. The ones I know personally, the ones that continue following me, the ones that take the time out of their busy schedules to read my posts, the ones that message me out of the blue and tell me they are thinking about me (you have no idea how much it means to me).

It’s been about a month of my little break. I didn’t even realize it until I actually got on Instagram and saw my last post was from Kenley’s 8 month angel day…

Yesterday marked 9 months…

Nine entire months. I still can’t process it.

I’ve been at my new job for about a month now, about the same time I started my “break.” It’s been good for me, getting back into somewhat of a swing of things after not returning back after Kenley gained her angel wings.

My first night, I saw a little aqua colored dress, similar to the same shade as Kenley’s dress (one of her many dresses I call it the “Kenley dress”.)

It is more meaningful and sentimental amongst some of her other clothes she wore.

I instantly smiled when I pulled out the little dress like the Kenley dress, I needed that smile.

The next couple days of work put me through a loop that I wasn’t expecting… the pain that came with me not being at work for 8 months threw my body into overdrive, but I pushed through it as best as I could.

The last time I experienced shooting pains in my lower back like that was right after giving birth to my sweet, sweet Kenley boo. I fractured my tailbone while having her and my back hasn’t been the same ever since. I will have pains here and there from time to time, but nothing compared to that until going back to work.

It was excruciating and stopped me in my tracks, the exact same pain, a mirrored pain that I didn’t know could ever exist. A back pain that took me back to a place and reminded me that I still am and will always be her mommy.

———

Yesterday was the 4th. The dreaded date of each month. The date I just want to skip over. Can we do that? Can we pretend the 4th isn’t there? I only wish…

The day before was the roughest night I’ve had at work. That pain I felt in my back was nothing compared to the meltdown I had at work. Nothing.

A Nigerian gentleman noticed my engagement ring and said, “Ohhh, very nice,” & said “What about the other one?”

My other ring was a gift that has Kenley’s name engraved in it. It’s steel with two gold bands on the top and bottom with her name evenly engraved, along with a little heart following.

I explained to the man that it was my baby’s name (I wanted to leave it at that) but I decided to be nice and answer his questions.

“How old is she?” Damn, I wasn’t prepared for that one.

“Two, she was two years old.”

“Awww cute.”

“She WAS two. We lost her.”

He gave me the look and said “Ohhhh so sorry. I hate losing anyone.”

I completely spaced what he said after that, most likely blocked it out, and told him about 5 minutes later that I had no idea what his last thing he said to me was.

I explained to him more about Kenley, how the next day (which was yesterday) would mark Kenley’s 9 months that we lost her. I could barely get the words out of my mouth and began bawling my eyes out (how embarrassing to do that at work). I could feel my face getting hot as I turned the corner and could barely breathe.

He said “Kayla, Kayla come here,” as I was trying to hide myself from anyone else witnessing that massive breakdown. Thankfully, I work crazy hours and there aren’t tons of people on my shift, so I think I got lucky with him being the only one to see that. Poor man.

I needed that breakdown, as much as I really didn’t want it to happen at work, I knew it would at some point, I just didn’t know when. Certainly, I didn’t think it would happen in that moment.

I wouldn’t have been as triggered, had it not been so close to the 4th of the month.

After coming home from work, I decided to stay up. As tired as I was after working 12 hours, I just could not fall asleep to save the life of me. Maybe 3 hours of sleep if that is what I was able to get, not enough for another 12 hour shift, along with Kenley’s 9 months, that is one hell of a concoction waiting to unleash.

I called the night off work and made a few strong mixed drinks, I couldn’t fathom a sequel to the meltdown at work after that..