5 years

Five years ago today, my whole world was turned upside down. The hardest day of the calendar year is and will always be June 4th, the day my precious Kenley boo gained her angel wings and left a permanent hole in my heart. My heart has never been the same since the day hers stopped beating. The four days we spent in Riley Children’s Hospital when she was sick, were the longest days of my life. To witness my baby girl in her hospital bed, fighting for her life, and not even knowing what was wrong with her until her autopsy results came back… That is something that no parent should ever have to go through. I remember feeling like I had an outer body experience, my face and my entire body literally felt numb and thinking out loud, “This can’t be real.” How could this be real? Parents aren’t supposed to outlive their children, but I am forced to carry on with my life daily with this heavy heart that has been shattered into a million pieces. All I have left now are her memories and I will forever cherish each one that I have of her. She loved taking pictures and doing Snapchat videos with me and I am beyond thankful that I will always have those. My Kenley Boo still lets me know she is here with me by sending her signs, I’ve been seeing a lot of cardinals lately. They say, “When a cardinal appears, an angel is near,” & I always know it is her. While driving home early this morning, I seen a shooting star in the sky, I believe in my heart that was her way of letting me know, “I’m still here Mommy, I never left you & I will always be with you.” Her signs keep me going and she always sends them when I need them the most. She is my angel in the sky.

Until we meet again, my sweet Kenley Boo, I will forever be missing you. I love you so very much. I live for the day I am reunited with you, but until that day comes, I will forever be the voice of you and keep your memory alive.

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Mother’s Day from Kenley Boo 💛

Yesterday after grocery shopping, there were other items that I still needed. My boyfriend and I were walking by the clothes section to take the shortcut back to the toiletry items. I noticed Walmart now has a Claire’s accessory section and it changed my walking pace a little slower as I gazed some of the jewelry hanging up on display. We continued to walk a little further, where I noticed a pair of ladies sleep joggers hanging up. I noticed the funshine bear was on the front of the joggers and then pulled them apart so I could see the other side. “Aww, funshine,” I said to my boyfriend with a big smile on my face. I was about to hang them back where I found them and before they reached the hook, I changed my mind and said, “No, I have to get these.” I hadn’t noticed when I first saw the joggers, the funshine bear on the tag, of all of the care bears they could’ve put on the tag, it was funshine on there. When I saw that, I pouted my bottom lip and said, “Aww, Walmart is trying to make me cry.” I didn’t cry though, instead I smiled at the thought of my Kenley Boo, like she was telling me, “Happy Mother’s Day Mommy,” like it was a present from her. 💛

Happy Mother’s Day!

Angel numbers & ticks

Kenley Boo has been showing me very noticeable signs recently, especially in this past week. I have been seeing angel numbers more than I ever have, which are double digit numbers (44.44 for example). One day I ordered a pizza and the total came to a double digit number in dollars and cents. I went to the store a few days later and the same thing happened, the total came to another double digit number with the same amount in dollars and cents. I think it was that same day, my boyfriend and I were watching a movie and I paused it, the time the movie stopped was yet again double digit numbers with the same seconds. When we were sitting on the couch before going to bed, I checked the time and it was another set of double digits that read the same time in hours and seconds. I have seen this happen in the past week six different times. My boyfriend told me to get a lottery ticket and I did on Wednesday. I didn’t end up hitting, but I will continue to play those numbers in the future.

I’ve seen a few more signs from Kenley as well, like a cardinal two days in a row. I’ve also been finding pennies. I had a penny stuck to the bottom of my foot the other day, then I found another one on the ground yesterday. I always keep the Pennie’s I find and put them in this little bag and store them with the rest of my “Kenley pennies” that I have found since losing her.

She has been on my mind a lot. I think about her every single day, but this time of year is the hardest. It starts with Mother’s Day, then following Memorial Day (the time around Memorial Day is when her symptoms started with Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever). Following that comes the worst month of the year. June. I dread June so much, as June 4th was the day my world fell apart at the seams. That was the last day I saw my precious baby girl. That was the day she was called home. The whole month of June I am a complete mess. I feel like a robot, just going through the motions, not really knowing how to function like a normal human being that hasn’t experienced losing a child. It’s like I’m here physically during that time, but my brain feels like mush, or that of the tin man in the Wizard of Oz, “If I only had a brain.”

I was sitting on my couch, just scrolling through my Facebook feed, when I felt something crawling on my arm. It tickled, but I knew it was a bug so I wanted to get it off of me. I flicked it off when I saw it, realizing as it was flying in the air and what I assume, landing in my rug, I realized it was a TICK. It happened so fast and I hurried up and grabbed my vacuum to try and suck the nasty thing up, because I didn’t want it to harm myself, my daughter, boyfriend, or puppy. It had little legs that curled and an ugly body. It made me itchy, knowing it was crawling on me. Those things are disgusting and the infected ones are filled with fatal diseases. I did not feel it bite me, I’m just glad I wasn’t sleeping when it was crawling on me, because it might’ve done just that.

I advise everyone to be careful as the warmer weather is approaching us and more people will be spending time outside. Be very vigilant when it comes to these nasty creatures, as they fear nothing and they’re not afraid to affect people for the rest of their lives, whether it be medical conditions or fatal situations like my sweet Kenley Boo.

Heavenly birthday

My sweet baby girl, today you would be 7 years old. It’s unimaginable to believe that you’ve been in heaven now longer than you were here on earth. I will forever cherish the 2 1/2 beautiful years I was able to spend with you here before you were called home. The day you died, apart of my soul died too. I think to myself daily how I wish I could’ve traded places with you, so that you could still be here. Deep down, I know in my heart that you never really left and you will always be with me, watching over me. All I ask now is that you save me a seat up there with you. I will forever wait for the day I get to see you again, to hold you, to hear your voice, to see your beautiful face. Until that day comes, all I have now is memories, so I’ll hold you in my heart until I can hold you in heaven. This heavy heart I hold in my chest feels like it’s sinking some days and all of my heart strings feel like they’re coming undone. Your birthday is one of those days and I know it always will be.

I love you so much, my sweet Kenley Boo. You’re forever in my heart and in my thoughts. If love could’ve been enough to save you, you would’ve lived forever. Happy 7th heavenly birthday, my beautiful baby girl.

June 4th

Four year ago on this day, my sweet baby girl gained her angel wings. June 4th is the day that I dread the most out of the calendar year. Everyday without you is a struggle, but as the flashbacks start pouring in around Memorial Day, it brings back the memories of the last week your heart was still beating. Mine will never beat the same without you, Kenley Boo, it’s impossible.

My heart shatters all over again each year during this time, knowing you should still be here, it’s even worse knowing you WOULD still be here, if you hadn’t been misdiagnosed. That is the part that kills me the most.

I’ve had people ask me if it’s gotten any easier, since it’s been four years now that you’ve been in heaven and I’d be lying if I said yes. It hasn’t gotten any easier, since more time has passed, it never will. I’ve just learned to push my broken heart through this new life with you in heaven. I don’t have a choice. I have to continue living for your big sister.

I miss you every single day, Kenley Boo. I always wonder what you would look like now. You were so gorgeous, with your porcelain skin, dark brown eyes, and your beautiful blonde-white hair. I miss your beautiful smile and your contagious laugh. I miss all of you, everyday, and I will for the rest of my time on this earth.

This pain without you physically here has cut my heart deeper than the sharpest knife could sever. All of the milestones that I won’t be able to see, watching you look up to your big sister, watching you grow. I didn’t get to witness you going into preschool, you were supposed to start 2 months after you gained your angel wings. I never saw you lose your first tooth or start kindergarten. You’d be in second grade now, Kenley Boo. I know you would’ve made me so proud.

I won’t be able to see you succeed in school, I won’t be able to see you graduate high school, or be terrified out of my mind when you learn how to drive. I won’t be able to see you get married and have kids. I won’t be able to see any of that. There is so much life that you still had to live, baby girl, your life was just getting started.

Even though your aren’t physically here on this earth, you still have made me proud to be your mommy. I still have people reach out to me every year, asking about ticks, and it’s because of hearing your story of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, that many lives have been saved all over the world. For a 2 1/2 year old sweet baby girl to be able to accomplish that through death, I can only imagine the things you would’ve done if you continued living.

I love you always, my precious girl. You are always remembered and forever loved. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. Thank you for all of the signs you continue sending me, I know you will always be here with me. I love you Kenley Boo, my sweet angel baby, until we meet again.

Love after loss ♥️

A woman that has been single for a long period of time knows exactly what she wants/doesn’t want when it comes to relationships. She’s the type of woman that doesn’t just date someone to pass the time up or because it’s something to do. She’s the type that’s been hurt, she’s seen and heard it all before & won’t settle for less than she deserves. She knows her worth and what she has to offer. Hell, she can bring a damn table to the table. This woman is strong and can handle her own, she doesn’t need a man to complete her, but wanting someone to walk alongside her through life as her “person,” is just a bonus to her extraordinary greatness.

So she waits, she doesn’t look, but she waits patiently until the love she’s always ever wanted finds her. When this day finally comes, she will know. She won’t have to second guess herself or ask herself where she stands in someone else’s life, she will simply know without hesitation. She will know without him even telling her with words. She will be able to tell with his actions and this will be the greatest love she will ever know.

Real love is given freely, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” Above all, anything else that fails, love conquers all. Until this woman finds this real love, she will sit back and observe everyone who enters her life, from all angels of the spectrum and focus her lense on the ones worth keeping.

One of the greatest things that I have ever been told is that, “Everyone that enters your life is either a lesson or a blessing.” That is very true with friends, family, and relationships from my experiences. Nothing is by chance or coincidence, those people come into your life for a reason. I don’t regret any failed relationship I’ve ever had, whether that’s with friends, family, or exes. I take a piece from each one and I learn from it.

I’ve learned a lot about life and a lot about love; both before and after losing my daughter over 3 years ago. It’s allowed me to love deeper and look at life completely different now that she is gone. The small things I used to stress over, I now know were only minor setbacks of greater things to come. I will no longer allow myself to stress over things that are out of my control.

I’ve fallen for sweet words, even though the majority of the times, actions didn’t measure up to par. You can write a book about how you feel about someone or how absolutely head over heals in love you are with them, but it your words don’t line up with your actions, you might as well burn that book, because those words won’t mean anything.

I’m at the point in my life now where everything has to be proven to me. I don’t trust words, only actions. Life’s too damn short to settle for mediocracy & less than you deserve. One day all of this will make sense and I will know exactly why it never worked out with anyone else besides the person I’m meant for. One day I will know that everything fell into place exactly the way it should have. Until then, I will sit back and wait patiently. I know one day the love that I truly deserve will find me. ♥️

6th birthday in heaven

Today you would be turning 6 years old. You should be blowing out 6 birthday candles and making a wish. You should have graduated from kindergarten a few weeks ago and made your mommy so proud. You should be here Kenley Boo, this life without you here physically just isn’t fair. Knowing there are so many milestones you should have accomplished and I won’t be able to see any of them, is truly heartbreaking. Apart of me inside my soul died the day you went to heaven and my heart will never be the same. It shatters all over again on days like today, only reminding me that it’s yet another year without you.

I’m forced to carry on in this this crazy, corrupt universe without you. Everything just looks so different on my side of the spectrum since you’ve been gone. It’s a whole new world without you here and I have no other choice but to continue living in this new life without you here. It’s been over 3 years now that you’ve gained your angel wings and I’m still learning this “new life.” It’s something that I’ve been told, “You need to get over it, stop being so depressed, think of something else, you’re so strong, she’s in a better place.” People tend to mean well when they say words like that, but more than likely, they’ve never experienced losing a child themselves and saying words like that just seems like the right things to say. Let me tell you, they’re not, nothing about telling someone to get over the loss of their child is comforting, if I want to cry for days and tune the world out and be “depressed,” by all means, I will do just that. I’m strong because I have to be, I carry a heavy weight on my shoulders and a heavy heart in my chest with each beat, because I have to for my pre-teen child that I have still living. Telling someone their child is in a better place is so clichè, I have probably said it to someone in the past too when they’ve lost someone, but deep down, we want that person with us and no where else.

I miss you, Kenley Boo, my forever 2 & 1/2 year old, sweet baby girl. It’s hard to believe you’ve been gone as long as you have now. I’m hurting a little extra today. I love you sweet baby and I hope you’re having the time of your life celebrating your 6th birthday in heaven, until we meet again. 💛

Three years.

Three years Kenley boo… It’s been three years since I held you in my arms and kissed your pretty face. Three years since I put your beautiful white-blonde hair up into a ponytail that you loved so much. Three years since I last saw you and now three years means you’ve been up in heaven longer than you were here on earth. Each day that passes makes it further and further away from the last time I saw you, but hopefully closer to the day I get to see you again and this time it will be through those pearly gates. I miss you so much baby girl, the anniversary date of your death is the hardest day of the year for me. Everyday without you is hard, but June 4th brings me to my knees. It’s the day I dread the most out of all days in the calendar year. The flashbacks of you being sick and in and out of three different emergency rooms somehow manage to always come back. It all starts around Memorial Day when you first became sick and the thoughts leading up to this time three years ago just keep building up to June 4th, the day I dread most of all. I find myself sitting and pondering from time to time, asking why? Why you? Why my precious baby? With a world filled with hate and how angelic, loving, full of life, my little ray of sunshine, Why you? As perfect as you are, why did you have to go so soon? I have endless questions spinning through my head sometimes about the why’s, how’s, what if’s, when it pertains to you… Then I realize in somehow, someway, you knew you were here on borrowed time. The way you would touch people by your sweet little charm. It’s almost as if you weren’t human, an angel is what everyone saw in you. They would say that longgggg before you ever became sick, strangers would stop me when we were in public places and comment on just how beautiful you were. “Look at that baby, look at her hair, look at her skin, she looks like an angel.” I heard it all the time, my sweet Kenley girl. Your porcelain skin, you looked like one of those dolls people order from magazines, so flawless. Your dark eyes and long lashes, your white-blonde hair and how it would shine even without sunlight. The way you’d hold your hand to your mouth and give that cheeky smile. I miss it all baby girl, everything about you.

Before you became sick, you just began speech therapy and were doing so well already. You were going to be starting pre-school too. I remember that first day dropping you off at pre-school as a warm up, and you were so scared. You held onto my leg and cried, then the next time I dropped you off, you were just fine. You were ready Kenley boo. To see you now, I know you’d be making mommy so very proud of you. If you were still here, you’d be graduating from kindergarten. I wonder what you would look like now, you’d be talking so much more. I’m sure you’d be into TikTok and making videos with your sissy. You just loved snapchat and being in front of the camera, I can only imagine what your TikTok videos would look like.

You were something very special Kenley boo, you still are. Even though you were only a two and a half year old baby girl, you’ve made an astonishing impact across the globe with your story of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Because of you, many lives have been saved, many people now know about the precautions when it comes to ticks. People still reach out to me about ticks for advice on what to do and I try my best to lead them in the right direction so they don’t have to face the unimaginable pain of losing a child or someone dear to their heart. You’ll forever be my hero, my saving grace, my guardian angel, & you’ll always be my baby.

Thank you for the signs you’ve been sending me, I always notice. You send them right when I need them in places where I don’t know I will find them, but you always send them exactly when I know to look. I’ve been finding pennies “pennies from Heaven” lately and I always keep them, they’re my Kenley pennies. Thank you for the cardinal sign this morning. I know you heard me this morning when I was talking to you and told you I loved you and asked you to send me a sign. When I stepped outside, I saw a cardinal fly right by me, then it flew by again in the opposite direction. You know I needed that more than ever, especially today.

I love you more than words will ever express. There’s not enough words in the English dictionary or any other language that could ever come close to describing the amount of love I have for you. Until we meet again. 💛

Mother’s Day

These two pretty girls are the ones that turned me into a mommy. I miss their sweet sisterly bond so much. The way Kenley would look at Aileah with so much love, she adored her big sister & wanted to be just like her. I miss Kenley messing up Aileah’s toys, just to hear Aileah say, “Mommmm, Kenley’s messing up my stuff again!” Then she’d turn around and say, “Fine, Kenley, you can have it,” because she realized sharing wasn’t so bad after all. Sometimes the little bickers can tend to get on parents nerves from time to time, but what I’d give to hear it again. They’d always end up hugging it out in the end. I miss watching Kenley climb into Aileah’s lap for cuddles and kisses, it was so sweet to watch.

Mother’s Day is always a little bitter sweet when you have a child in heaven. Even though Kenley boo isn’t physically here, I will always be her mother. I will always remember the precious moments I was blessed to share with both of my girls together while Kenley was still living. The unmeasurable love I have for them was shown back to not only me, but also through the two of them towards one another as sisters and that is something I am truly proud of. 💛💛

Happy Mother’s Day to all of the beautiful mothers out there! 💗🤍💜

International Bereaved Mother’s Day

May 3rd, also known as International Bereaved Mother’s Day. “It takes a strong woman to be a mother and an even stronger woman to be a bereaved mother.” This isn’t a day of pity, it’s a day to remember that we are all still mothers to the child(ren) that we have lost, no matter how we lost them.

Thinking of my precious Kenley boo today and everyday, and all the mamas who’s hearts are a little heavier like mine. May our angels forever be with us. 💛