Heavenly birthday

My sweet baby girl, today you would be 7 years old. It’s unimaginable to believe that you’ve been in heaven now longer than you were here on earth. I will forever cherish the 2 1/2 beautiful years I was able to spend with you here before you were called home. The day you died, apart of my soul died too. I think to myself daily how I wish I could’ve traded places with you, so that you could still be here. Deep down, I know in my heart that you never really left and you will always be with me, watching over me. All I ask now is that you save me a seat up there with you. I will forever wait for the day I get to see you again, to hold you, to hear your voice, to see your beautiful face. Until that day comes, all I have now is memories, so I’ll hold you in my heart until I can hold you in heaven. This heavy heart I hold in my chest feels like it’s sinking some days and all of my heart strings feel like they’re coming undone. Your birthday is one of those days and I know it always will be.

I love you so much, my sweet Kenley Boo. You’re forever in my heart and in my thoughts. If love could’ve been enough to save you, you would’ve lived forever. Happy 7th heavenly birthday, my beautiful baby girl.

June 4th

Four year ago on this day, my sweet baby girl gained her angel wings. June 4th is the day that I dread the most out of the calendar year. Everyday without you is a struggle, but as the flashbacks start pouring in around Memorial Day, it brings back the memories of the last week your heart was still beating. Mine will never beat the same without you, Kenley Boo, it’s impossible.

My heart shatters all over again each year during this time, knowing you should still be here, it’s even worse knowing you WOULD still be here, if you hadn’t been misdiagnosed. That is the part that kills me the most.

I’ve had people ask me if it’s gotten any easier, since it’s been four years now that you’ve been in heaven and I’d be lying if I said yes. It hasn’t gotten any easier, since more time has passed, it never will. I’ve just learned to push my broken heart through this new life with you in heaven. I don’t have a choice. I have to continue living for your big sister.

I miss you every single day, Kenley Boo. I always wonder what you would look like now. You were so gorgeous, with your porcelain skin, dark brown eyes, and your beautiful blonde-white hair. I miss your beautiful smile and your contagious laugh. I miss all of you, everyday, and I will for the rest of my time on this earth.

This pain without you physically here has cut my heart deeper than the sharpest knife could sever. All of the milestones that I won’t be able to see, watching you look up to your big sister, watching you grow. I didn’t get to witness you going into preschool, you were supposed to start 2 months after you gained your angel wings. I never saw you lose your first tooth or start kindergarten. You’d be in second grade now, Kenley Boo. I know you would’ve made me so proud.

I won’t be able to see you succeed in school, I won’t be able to see you graduate high school, or be terrified out of my mind when you learn how to drive. I won’t be able to see you get married and have kids. I won’t be able to see any of that. There is so much life that you still had to live, baby girl, your life was just getting started.

Even though your aren’t physically here on this earth, you still have made me proud to be your mommy. I still have people reach out to me every year, asking about ticks, and it’s because of hearing your story of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, that many lives have been saved all over the world. For a 2 1/2 year old sweet baby girl to be able to accomplish that through death, I can only imagine the things you would’ve done if you continued living.

I love you always, my precious girl. You are always remembered and forever loved. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. Thank you for all of the signs you continue sending me, I know you will always be here with me. I love you Kenley Boo, my sweet angel baby, until we meet again.

Love after loss ♥️

A woman that has been single for a long period of time knows exactly what she wants/doesn’t want when it comes to relationships. She’s the type of woman that doesn’t just date someone to pass the time up or because it’s something to do. She’s the type that’s been hurt, she’s seen and heard it all before & won’t settle for less than she deserves. She knows her worth and what she has to offer. Hell, she can bring a damn table to the table. This woman is strong and can handle her own, she doesn’t need a man to complete her, but wanting someone to walk alongside her through life as her “person,” is just a bonus to her extraordinary greatness.

So she waits, she doesn’t look, but she waits patiently until the love she’s always ever wanted finds her. When this day finally comes, she will know. She won’t have to second guess herself or ask herself where she stands in someone else’s life, she will simply know without hesitation. She will know without him even telling her with words. She will be able to tell with his actions and this will be the greatest love she will ever know.

Real love is given freely, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” Above all, anything else that fails, love conquers all. Until this woman finds this real love, she will sit back and observe everyone who enters her life, from all angels of the spectrum and focus her lense on the ones worth keeping.

One of the greatest things that I have ever been told is that, “Everyone that enters your life is either a lesson or a blessing.” That is very true with friends, family, and relationships from my experiences. Nothing is by chance or coincidence, those people come into your life for a reason. I don’t regret any failed relationship I’ve ever had, whether that’s with friends, family, or exes. I take a piece from each one and I learn from it.

I’ve learned a lot about life and a lot about love; both before and after losing my daughter over 3 years ago. It’s allowed me to love deeper and look at life completely different now that she is gone. The small things I used to stress over, I now know were only minor setbacks of greater things to come. I will no longer allow myself to stress over things that are out of my control.

I’ve fallen for sweet words, even though the majority of the times, actions didn’t measure up to par. You can write a book about how you feel about someone or how absolutely head over heals in love you are with them, but it your words don’t line up with your actions, you might as well burn that book, because those words won’t mean anything.

I’m at the point in my life now where everything has to be proven to me. I don’t trust words, only actions. Life’s too damn short to settle for mediocracy & less than you deserve. One day all of this will make sense and I will know exactly why it never worked out with anyone else besides the person I’m meant for. One day I will know that everything fell into place exactly the way it should have. Until then, I will sit back and wait patiently. I know one day the love that I truly deserve will find me. ♥️

6th birthday in heaven

Today you would be turning 6 years old. You should be blowing out 6 birthday candles and making a wish. You should have graduated from kindergarten a few weeks ago and made your mommy so proud. You should be here Kenley Boo, this life without you here physically just isn’t fair. Knowing there are so many milestones you should have accomplished and I won’t be able to see any of them, is truly heartbreaking. Apart of me inside my soul died the day you went to heaven and my heart will never be the same. It shatters all over again on days like today, only reminding me that it’s yet another year without you.

I’m forced to carry on in this this crazy, corrupt universe without you. Everything just looks so different on my side of the spectrum since you’ve been gone. It’s a whole new world without you here and I have no other choice but to continue living in this new life without you here. It’s been over 3 years now that you’ve gained your angel wings and I’m still learning this “new life.” It’s something that I’ve been told, “You need to get over it, stop being so depressed, think of something else, you’re so strong, she’s in a better place.” People tend to mean well when they say words like that, but more than likely, they’ve never experienced losing a child themselves and saying words like that just seems like the right things to say. Let me tell you, they’re not, nothing about telling someone to get over the loss of their child is comforting, if I want to cry for days and tune the world out and be “depressed,” by all means, I will do just that. I’m strong because I have to be, I carry a heavy weight on my shoulders and a heavy heart in my chest with each beat, because I have to for my pre-teen child that I have still living. Telling someone their child is in a better place is so clichè, I have probably said it to someone in the past too when they’ve lost someone, but deep down, we want that person with us and no where else.

I miss you, Kenley Boo, my forever 2 & 1/2 year old, sweet baby girl. It’s hard to believe you’ve been gone as long as you have now. I’m hurting a little extra today. I love you sweet baby and I hope you’re having the time of your life celebrating your 6th birthday in heaven, until we meet again. 💛

Three years.

Three years Kenley boo… It’s been three years since I held you in my arms and kissed your pretty face. Three years since I put your beautiful white-blonde hair up into a ponytail that you loved so much. Three years since I last saw you and now three years means you’ve been up in heaven longer than you were here on earth. Each day that passes makes it further and further away from the last time I saw you, but hopefully closer to the day I get to see you again and this time it will be through those pearly gates. I miss you so much baby girl, the anniversary date of your death is the hardest day of the year for me. Everyday without you is hard, but June 4th brings me to my knees. It’s the day I dread the most out of all days in the calendar year. The flashbacks of you being sick and in and out of three different emergency rooms somehow manage to always come back. It all starts around Memorial Day when you first became sick and the thoughts leading up to this time three years ago just keep building up to June 4th, the day I dread most of all. I find myself sitting and pondering from time to time, asking why? Why you? Why my precious baby? With a world filled with hate and how angelic, loving, full of life, my little ray of sunshine, Why you? As perfect as you are, why did you have to go so soon? I have endless questions spinning through my head sometimes about the why’s, how’s, what if’s, when it pertains to you… Then I realize in somehow, someway, you knew you were here on borrowed time. The way you would touch people by your sweet little charm. It’s almost as if you weren’t human, an angel is what everyone saw in you. They would say that longgggg before you ever became sick, strangers would stop me when we were in public places and comment on just how beautiful you were. “Look at that baby, look at her hair, look at her skin, she looks like an angel.” I heard it all the time, my sweet Kenley girl. Your porcelain skin, you looked like one of those dolls people order from magazines, so flawless. Your dark eyes and long lashes, your white-blonde hair and how it would shine even without sunlight. The way you’d hold your hand to your mouth and give that cheeky smile. I miss it all baby girl, everything about you.

Before you became sick, you just began speech therapy and were doing so well already. You were going to be starting pre-school too. I remember that first day dropping you off at pre-school as a warm up, and you were so scared. You held onto my leg and cried, then the next time I dropped you off, you were just fine. You were ready Kenley boo. To see you now, I know you’d be making mommy so very proud of you. If you were still here, you’d be graduating from kindergarten. I wonder what you would look like now, you’d be talking so much more. I’m sure you’d be into TikTok and making videos with your sissy. You just loved snapchat and being in front of the camera, I can only imagine what your TikTok videos would look like.

You were something very special Kenley boo, you still are. Even though you were only a two and a half year old baby girl, you’ve made an astonishing impact across the globe with your story of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Because of you, many lives have been saved, many people now know about the precautions when it comes to ticks. People still reach out to me about ticks for advice on what to do and I try my best to lead them in the right direction so they don’t have to face the unimaginable pain of losing a child or someone dear to their heart. You’ll forever be my hero, my saving grace, my guardian angel, & you’ll always be my baby.

Thank you for the signs you’ve been sending me, I always notice. You send them right when I need them in places where I don’t know I will find them, but you always send them exactly when I know to look. I’ve been finding pennies “pennies from Heaven” lately and I always keep them, they’re my Kenley pennies. Thank you for the cardinal sign this morning. I know you heard me this morning when I was talking to you and told you I loved you and asked you to send me a sign. When I stepped outside, I saw a cardinal fly right by me, then it flew by again in the opposite direction. You know I needed that more than ever, especially today.

I love you more than words will ever express. There’s not enough words in the English dictionary or any other language that could ever come close to describing the amount of love I have for you. Until we meet again. 💛

Mother’s Day

These two pretty girls are the ones that turned me into a mommy. I miss their sweet sisterly bond so much. The way Kenley would look at Aileah with so much love, she adored her big sister & wanted to be just like her. I miss Kenley messing up Aileah’s toys, just to hear Aileah say, “Mommmm, Kenley’s messing up my stuff again!” Then she’d turn around and say, “Fine, Kenley, you can have it,” because she realized sharing wasn’t so bad after all. Sometimes the little bickers can tend to get on parents nerves from time to time, but what I’d give to hear it again. They’d always end up hugging it out in the end. I miss watching Kenley climb into Aileah’s lap for cuddles and kisses, it was so sweet to watch.

Mother’s Day is always a little bitter sweet when you have a child in heaven. Even though Kenley boo isn’t physically here, I will always be her mother. I will always remember the precious moments I was blessed to share with both of my girls together while Kenley was still living. The unmeasurable love I have for them was shown back to not only me, but also through the two of them towards one another as sisters and that is something I am truly proud of. 💛💛

Happy Mother’s Day to all of the beautiful mothers out there! 💗🤍💜

International Bereaved Mother’s Day

May 3rd, also known as International Bereaved Mother’s Day. “It takes a strong woman to be a mother and an even stronger woman to be a bereaved mother.” This isn’t a day of pity, it’s a day to remember that we are all still mothers to the child(ren) that we have lost, no matter how we lost them.

Thinking of my precious Kenley boo today and everyday, and all the mamas who’s hearts are a little heavier like mine. May our angels forever be with us. 💛

5th birthday in heaven

Today you would be five years old, my sweet girl. It’s still hard to believe it’s already been over two years now that I celebrated your birthday with you physically here. Now I am left with no choice but to continue celebrating your birthday every year by releasing balloons for you, so you can catch them in heaven. Today is all about you, my gorgeous baby, it’s all for you.

Three weeks ago on June 4th was your 2 year anniversary that I lost you. I have not shared with very many people what happened on that day, but as expected, it was a rough one to say the least (much like today without you here).

I remember crying so hard at the thought of missing you, the flashbacks from the hospital, the words the doctors and nurses spoke to us, the feeling of my heart breaking like glass that you are still gone, the hole in my heart expanding as I ache just to hold you one last time, knowing it is so far away from happening. I know I will see you again one day, but it seems like forever, and forever seems like a million miles away. I did something that day that I had been meaning to do for the longest time. “Go get your baby,” as my dad has said to me. What he meant was to go get your ashes. Your ashes.

On the way there, I began to tear up, as much as I tried to fight those hot tears from rolling down my cheeks, I couldn’t hold them in. As my eyes are filling up, my face begins to feel hot and at the same time, the back of my neck gets hot too. Something told me to turn my radio down, and in that very moment, I began to listen. I heard your sweet voice telling me, “I’m here Mommy, I’m here,” because you knew exactly what I was about to do.

I was able to calm down after that, enough to just make it there. Your Grandma Renee gave me a hug and handed me over the bag from the Funeral home that contained your ashes inside. As I’m pulling down the driveway to leave, I begin to see fireflies light up the night. That was the first day of the summer that I had seen a single firefly. They have been a symbol/sign from you since the day of your Celebration of Life, and we lit off lanterns in the sky for you.

I remember Aileah letting off her lantern for you, and all of a sudden, a firefly landed on her hand. I would see fireflies in places that they normally wouldn’t be. I remember driving the golf cart and seeing a firefly going up and down the floorboard (it must have been really bored because that’s all it seemed to want to do). I would see them in the house, on the door going back and forth, over and over again. When my best friend Janice took Aileah to Kentucky Kingdom, she called me and said, “Guess what was in our hotel room?” I’m pretty sure she called it a lightning bug, (I’ve always called them fireflies). At the softball fundraiser, I remember my dad sitting in his chair, and a firefly landed on him and went back and forth on his shorts for quite a while. I looked at my dad’s face as a tear rolled down his cheek. During July 4th, Aileah and her friend Maddie called the fireflies “Kenley bugs.” That was the cutest thing I have ever heard. It wasn’t until recently that Maddie overheard her big sister, Dana and I talking on the phone and she told us all about her and Aileah calling them that. I thought it was soo sweet and it made my night when I heard it. Whenever I see fireflies lighting up the sky, I always think of you.

I have always believed there is more to life than what meets the eye, that there is other life out there somewhere, and life after death. I don’t believe people are just here on earth and they die & that’s it. I believe there is a heaven and a hell, that this isn’t all that there is once we pass. Believing that Kenley is in heaven, that she is fully alive and in paradise, brings me a sense of security knowing that she is safe.

When I first lost her, I questioned my faith. I questioned God multiple times and asked him why he took my child from me. I’ve been mad at God and asked him plenty of times to just take me, because I didn’t know how to live without Kenley. Since then, I have rewired my brain and changed my thoughts, and I stopped questioning him and all of his doings. My faith in the Lord has become stronger than it ever was that I thought was humanly possible. Every single sign that I have from Kenley, let’s me know that it is God’s gift to me and that she is up in heaven with him, along with my Mamaw Elouise, Mamaw Hallie, & Papaw Larry. I remember sitting outside after losing Kenley, and I closed my eyes & saw the three of them all holding hands in a circle with Kenley Boo dancing in the middle. The song was, “I hope you dance,” by Leann Womack.

I remember at Kenley’s Celebration of Life, when that song came on, I lost it.

It made it almost impossible to believe that she was gone, because never have I ever been to any kind of funeral service and the body not be present in a casket. I actually believed that she was coming back to me, I believed it for months on end. It just didn’t make sense, it still doesn’t.

I know now that she isn’t coming back, no one is going to knock on the door, saying Kenley came back from vacation. No one is going to do that and that’s what I believed in my head. She hasn’t came back to me in her physical body, but she has made it known that she has never left my side and she will always be here with me.

I remember just recently, the day of her anniversary, how I was completely losing my shit. I didn’t think I could handle another day without her. I broke down so badly that day. I remember asking her for strength to help me get through the day and the rest of my life, I needed her to help me. After that, I felt a sense of comfort wash over me and I was able to calm down, I haven’t broke down that hard since. She listened to me. I know she can hear my thoughts and listen to my voice when I am speaking. She can see things before and after they happen and while they are happening. I know she knows everything about the past, present, and future that have/are going to happen.

I know she is genuinely living her best life in a place that I can only imagine. I can only imagine how beautiful it is to live in a place like heaven. How magical it is without any sign of evil up there, only love and never hate. I can only imagine what it will be like on the day that I am reunited with my precious beauty. I live for that day, even though there are days where I just want to make it all easier and see my own way out, but I know that is not the answer. I can’t play God and pick & choose “my time,” because only he knows.

On Kenley’s anniversary that just passed, I remember setting her bag that contained her ashes on my lap and just holding it all the way home. I didn’t shed one single tear driving back. When I arrived at home, I headed straight to my bedroom. I remember opening up the bag and seeing her death certificate first thing. I folded it back up and placed it at the bottom of the bag and reached for the box. Inside the box was a tin, inside of the tin were her ashes. When I opened up the tin and saw her ashes, I lost it. Aileah looked up and me and said, “Mom are you okay?” She gave me the biggest hug and held me so tight, because she knew for sure that is exactly what I needed in that very moment.

Now that I have Kenley’s ashes here, I can feel her presence even stronger than I did before. I had to wait until I was fully ready to face the reality of her now being ashes instead of a physical body. Whenever I would search urns online, I would have to stop, I could never finish and follow through. I don’t know if it was due to the fact that I didn’t believe she was actually gone, or the fact that my sweet baby girl shouldn’t be just ashes!!

I think NOW, I will be able to make it through. There are glass blown urns I’ve seen that you can have custom made and have a loved ones ashes mixed in. That’s what I wanted to get, but even thinking about calling Renee and asking for my baby’s ashes was one of the hardest things I had to force myself to do. I actually ended up texting her about it instead. I don’t know how I would’ve been able to vocally ask her a question like that. How would those words even slide off of my lips? How? “Can I have my baby’s ashes?” How does that even sound? There are no words for it.

I don’t want today to be a sad day. I want to try my best to make it through the day without shedding a tear. I want today to be all about Kenley Boo. I want people to remember how beautiful and full of life she was, her contagious laugh and the glow she always had upon her. I want tears of joy and love and laughter. I want to share stories of my silly girl and the things she would do and say. I want to remember the happy times and the beautiful little life she once had here. I want to talk about how big her voice is for her tiny body and how much of an impact she’s made in the world with her story of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. I want to talk about how many families and friends and people I have never had a chance to meet have reached out to me from all over the country and across the world. Let’s talk about how many lives she’s saved and how many people have personally messaged me, asking for advice when it comes to ticks and tickbites and what to do thereafter. Let’s talk about the legacy my angel is leaving behind her forever!!! For such a tiny baby, she’s shouting loudly and clearly through the nations overseas and echoing to and fro.

If there is one thing that I have done correctly in my life. ONE THING. I know that that ONE THING is being her Mommy. I may have failed tests in school, I may have had speeding tickets in the past, I may have made mistakes that I wish I could take back, I may not be perfect, but I do know one thing for damn sure, I never failed my Kenley Boo as her mama. Never. I loved her then, I love her now, and I always will. I will forever share her story with the world, until the earth stops spinning, I will keep talking and spreading awareness. That is my pinky promise to the world. It has to be a pinky promise or it doesn’t count. 😉


Today’s Show Article

As much as I don’t like seeing pictures of my Kenley Boo in the hospital, how swollen her whole body was.. her sweet face, her eyelids, her hands, her arms, like she’d been pumped up with air. This picture right here looks nothing like the Kenley Boo that I remember. The vibrant personality of this baby girl, THAT is what I want to remember about her, not this picture right here. No parent should ever have to see their child(ren) like this, EVER! As a parent, you’re not supposed to outlive your children. THE AMOUNT OF SUPPORT FROM EVERYONE IS SO AMAZING! You’ve made this rough week that felt like I was falling down a slippery slope feel like I can now climb mountains. Thank you so much! I love you all so much for reaching out to me during this difficult time. I appreciate you! The amount of shares I’ve seen from a story the Today Show aired, is mind blowing!!! Thank you everyone for tagging in posts that you see of my story being shared. Although it’s been 2 years, what happened to my baby girl is STILL happening. I never thought something like this could ever happen to my daughter, I’d never even heard of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. Doctors have very little knowledge on this disease and I will fight for doctors to go back to college and have their degrees reestablished once they complete their courses on tick-borne diseases such as Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. This has to stop!!! People have to stop being misdiagnosed, they have to stop dying over something that can be prevented from happening with the help of everyone signing my petition for the CDC to formulate a RMSF vaccine, people have to stop dying from this!! Kayla Ann Oblisk and Brandon Oblisk from Kentucky almost lost their 2 year old son, Jackson- literally almost a 2 years to the date that Kenley initially got sick Memorial Day weekend 2 years ago!!! He too was misdiagnosed and told it was just a virus, he became lethargic like Kenley, he couldn’t walk or talk, he became swollen with spots all over his body like Kenley. Everything Kayla told me about her son Jackson and the effects RMSF has taken on his tiny body, nearly mirrored my Kenley Boo’s story!!!! It’s so heartbreakingly sad that this is continuing, that we put our trust in these doctors, when they have minimal education when it comes to RMSF and other tick diseases. I’m sorry, but isn’t that terrifying???? We need to stop allowing these doctors to spin a wheel and take a wild guess on a diagnosis of someone who has RMSF symptoms. It’s not right. Pumping them with the wrong antibiotics can be life threatening, but it happens more often than not. Although they say RMSF is uncommon and rare, I keep hearing more and more and more about it. If you or someone you know has or has had RMSF, please share your story with me! I would love to hear from you!!! I will support everyone who can relate in some way, the way you all have been supporting and reaching out to me. We’re in this together!!!! 🤞🏼💛

Thank you 💛

People have been reaching out to me non-stop with their condolences and kind words. Thank each of you for taking the time out of your day to read my posts. I don’t always like posting sad things all the time, but one thing I will always do is talk about my daughter and share her story, in hopes of bringing more awareness to those who are in the dark about the seriousness of what took my daughter’s life. It needs to be known. When you get inside of a vehicle, you are well aware of the chances of there possibly being an accident, something happening with your car, etc. You wouldn’t think you’d be in danger just by stepping outside of your home. People don’t think about things like that. You can bring in a tick from your own yard and not even realize it. People often assume that they’re only in woods and camping areas, let me tell you, there’s plenty of other places besides that. Grass, trees, bushes, plants, your pets… All I’m trying to say is know how to protect yourself if you are to go camping, long sleeve pants and shirts, bright clothing so they are easier to spot, throw your clothes in the dryer when you get home to kill them off, wear DEET which is supposed to repel against ticks. I was just living my everyday life when all of a sudden my baby girl became very ill and contracted Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever from a tick bite and my world changed & continues to change without her. I know 100000% she is with me everyday, watching over me, I can feel her, and sometimes I can even hear her talking to me. What happened to my sweet girl is beyond tragic and shouldn’t happen to anyone else’s child, EVER, especially if it can be prevented. It’s not like RMSF is incurable, it most certainly is if it is properly diagnosed and given the needed antibiotic (doxycycline) in time. I would never want anyone to be in mine or my beautiful Kenley Boo’s shoes. Again thank you everyone for your kind words, even the smallest message means so much to me, you have no idea. Thank you for sharing my posts on Facebook and other platforms of social media, thank you for telling your friends and people you may know about my baby’s story, thank you for taking the time to read my lengthy posts and my blog- I know I can get pretty deep and sometimes it’s not the easiest thing to read. I pinky promise, it’s not my intention to make everyone cry!! I just start typing whatever comes to mind in that moment and whatever is in my heart, just hits the keypad on my phone. It’s so therapeutic, and allows me to release and escape, if only for a moment. The amount of love I have in my heart is beyond measurable and it’s far too big to keep everything all bottled up inside, so I pour it all out in my words. 💛