Quitting something I just started was never in my plans…
In my very first blog post, I made it a resolution to write in here every day, but just like rules, some are meant to be bent and broken.
I had to put it on the back burner, including social media. Coming to the realization and opening my own eyes up with what was taking place during my grief process, I knew I had to somehow, someway throw myself some rope to climb out of the darkness.
I found myself getting lost in my grief, like circling the globe simultaneously with no GPS or map.
I realized something had to change, something’s gotta give, because doing what I was doing just was not working. I would spend hours on social media, talking to other angel moms, sharing our angel’s memories, replaying everything over and over and over again. It was obsessive.
Although it has helped me very much in the past (I had to take a break from it all), and I appreciate everyone that has reached out to me. The ones I know personally, the ones that continue following me, the ones that take the time out of their busy schedules to read my posts, the ones that message me out of the blue and tell me they are thinking about me (you have no idea how much it means to me).
It’s been about a month of my little break. I didn’t even realize it until I actually got on Instagram and saw my last post was from Kenley’s 8 month angel day…
Yesterday marked 9 months…
Nine entire months. I still can’t process it.
I’ve been at my new job for about a month now, about the same time I started my “break.” It’s been good for me, getting back into somewhat of a swing of things after not returning back after Kenley gained her angel wings.
My first night, I saw a little aqua colored dress, similar to the same shade as Kenley’s dress (one of her many dresses I call it the “Kenley dress”.)
It is more meaningful and sentimental amongst some of her other clothes she wore.
I instantly smiled when I pulled out the little dress like the Kenley dress, I needed that smile.
The next couple days of work put me through a loop that I wasn’t expecting… the pain that came with me not being at work for 8 months threw my body into overdrive, but I pushed through it as best as I could.
The last time I experienced shooting pains in my lower back like that was right after giving birth to my sweet, sweet Kenley boo. I fractured my tailbone while having her and my back hasn’t been the same ever since. I will have pains here and there from time to time, but nothing compared to that until going back to work.
It was excruciating and stopped me in my tracks, the exact same pain, a mirrored pain that I didn’t know could ever exist. A back pain that took me back to a place and reminded me that I still am and will always be her mommy.
Yesterday was the 4th. The dreaded date of each month. The date I just want to skip over. Can we do that? Can we pretend the 4th isn’t there? I only wish…
The day before was the roughest night I’ve had at work. That pain I felt in my back was nothing compared to the meltdown I had at work. Nothing.
A Nigerian gentleman noticed my engagement ring and said, “Ohhh, very nice,” & said “What about the other one?”
My other ring was a gift that has Kenley’s name engraved in it. It’s steel with two gold bands on the top and bottom with her name evenly engraved, along with a little heart following.
I explained to the man that it was my baby’s name (I wanted to leave it at that) but I decided to be nice and answer his questions.
“How old is she?” Damn, I wasn’t prepared for that one.
“Two, she was two years old.”
“She WAS two. We lost her.”
He gave me the look and said “Ohhhh so sorry. I hate losing anyone.”
I completely spaced what he said after that, most likely blocked it out, and told him about 5 minutes later that I had no idea what his last thing he said to me was.
I explained to him more about Kenley, how the next day (which was yesterday) would mark Kenley’s 9 months that we lost her. I could barely get the words out of my mouth and began bawling my eyes out (how embarrassing to do that at work). I could feel my face getting hot as I turned the corner and could barely breathe.
He said “Kayla, Kayla come here,” as I was trying to hide myself from anyone else witnessing that massive breakdown. Thankfully, I work crazy hours and there aren’t tons of people on my shift, so I think I got lucky with him being the only one to see that. Poor man.
I needed that breakdown, as much as I really didn’t want it to happen at work, I knew it would at some point, I just didn’t know when. Certainly, I didn’t think it would happen in that moment.
I wouldn’t have been as triggered, had it not been so close to the 4th of the month.
After coming home from work, I decided to stay up. As tired as I was after working 12 hours, I just could not fall asleep to save the life of me. Maybe 3 hours of sleep if that is what I was able to get, not enough for another 12 hour shift, along with Kenley’s 9 months, that is one hell of a concoction waiting to unleash.
I called the night off work and made a few strong mixed drinks, I couldn’t fathom a sequel to the meltdown at work after that..