June 4th

Four year ago on this day, my sweet baby girl gained her angel wings. June 4th is the day that I dread the most out of the calendar year. Everyday without you is a struggle, but as the flashbacks start pouring in around Memorial Day, it brings back the memories of the last week your heart was still beating. Mine will never beat the same without you, Kenley Boo, it’s impossible.

My heart shatters all over again each year during this time, knowing you should still be here, it’s even worse knowing you WOULD still be here, if you hadn’t been misdiagnosed. That is the part that kills me the most.

I’ve had people ask me if it’s gotten any easier, since it’s been four years now that you’ve been in heaven and I’d be lying if I said yes. It hasn’t gotten any easier, since more time has passed, it never will. I’ve just learned to push my broken heart through this new life with you in heaven. I don’t have a choice. I have to continue living for your big sister.

I miss you every single day, Kenley Boo. I always wonder what you would look like now. You were so gorgeous, with your porcelain skin, dark brown eyes, and your beautiful blonde-white hair. I miss your beautiful smile and your contagious laugh. I miss all of you, everyday, and I will for the rest of my time on this earth.

This pain without you physically here has cut my heart deeper than the sharpest knife could sever. All of the milestones that I won’t be able to see, watching you look up to your big sister, watching you grow. I didn’t get to witness you going into preschool, you were supposed to start 2 months after you gained your angel wings. I never saw you lose your first tooth or start kindergarten. You’d be in second grade now, Kenley Boo. I know you would’ve made me so proud.

I won’t be able to see you succeed in school, I won’t be able to see you graduate high school, or be terrified out of my mind when you learn how to drive. I won’t be able to see you get married and have kids. I won’t be able to see any of that. There is so much life that you still had to live, baby girl, your life was just getting started.

Even though your aren’t physically here on this earth, you still have made me proud to be your mommy. I still have people reach out to me every year, asking about ticks, and it’s because of hearing your story of Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, that many lives have been saved all over the world. For a 2 1/2 year old sweet baby girl to be able to accomplish that through death, I can only imagine the things you would’ve done if you continued living.

I love you always, my precious girl. You are always remembered and forever loved. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. Thank you for all of the signs you continue sending me, I know you will always be here with me. I love you Kenley Boo, my sweet angel baby, until we meet again.

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